They kept playing those darn Wendy's commercials during my Criminal Minds marathon. And Wendy's, although I'm not a big fan of fast food, is most definitely one of my favorite places to get a hamburger and some chicken nuggets. I'm curious as to if there is a connection between my love for frosty's and the fact that Wendy's just so happens to be where my biological parents met over 21 years ago...
Not wanting to wake up my parents by turning off the house alarm and opening the garage, I decided to "sneak out" my bedroom window. I find it funny that the only time I have snuck out of my parents house, was to get fast food...not alcohol or anything. So in my tank top and shorts, which was appropriate for the 2am, 81 degree humid Nebraska weather, I got in my car and starting driving. Sadly, Wendy's is not open after midnight here, so I had to settle for Mickey D's, the Golden Arches, McHeartAttack: Home of the Recycled Meal....whatever you want to call it.
Halfway there, I looked out my window and saw a few stars in the sky. Suddenly I felt the need for an adventure. I wanted to get away. I didn't want to just go back home, sit on my bed and eat my fries while watching late night Law and Order or something. And I needed to talk to Jesus. Badly. Yeah, yeah I know I can talk to Jesus whenever, wherever. But there's just something about being with Him while watching His creation...like the stars, or a rainbow, or a sunset...or the ocean! There is such a unique beauty in creation that I think we miss a lot of the time; like we take it for granted. And even just looking upon creation in all of it's beauty is in and of itself a wonderful act of worship.
"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork." - Psalm 19:1
I knew of a couple places out West that had fewer city lights and more fields where I could just go sit. There may not be much to do in Nebraska, but it's really good for driving with your windows down, doing the dolphin with your hand while driving at 65 miles per hour, and K-LOVE on full volume at 2 in the morning. It had been a really tough week. Working 6, 12 hour nights in a span of 9 days is something I will probably never do again. There had been a little bit of drama within my church group, which leaked into my work setting...which was completely unnecessary. Somebody very close to me had to be taken to a recovery center because of extreme suicidal thoughts; this being the second time in 8 months. The last 7 days had felt like God put me in a furnace. You know, the furnaces that purify gold...because before gold is beautiful gold, it has a bunch of impurities and crap in it that needs to be taken out by heat and fire before it can be used for anything. And being in a serious relationship, crap you didn't know was there tends to surface when you least expect it. It's like the fire gets stoked and the heat bumps up a couple extra hundred degrees.
I felt lonely. Forgotten. Insecure. Weak. Unheard.
My boyfriend had asked me once if my well used blue zip-up hoodie was a "security blanket". It kind of took me by surprise, but when I thought about it I realized that yes, it was. Not being confident in my physical appearance, it was nice to have something that would cover the things I didn't necessarily enjoy about myself. That, and it is also a plus to have around when I'm just cold. But that phrase stuck with me over the next couple weeks. "Security blanket".
My plan to go enjoy the stars didn't turn out so well; by the time I got to my destination, clouds had rolled in and there was a very good amount of lightning in the distance. But I accepted that as a close second to my viewing pleasure. Experiencing my first shooting star would have to wait just another night, at least.
As I started munching on my "midnight" snack, I could feel all these things stirring in my heart. But I hate crying while I'm trying to eat so I managed to keep the tears back.
"I miss Kansas City, Jesus! I just want to go back!"
Living in KC for over two years, I had developed some very good friendships. Especially to those whom I spent 7 months on the road with, doing ministry. By the time I moved back to Bellevue, I felt like I was ready to take on the whole city and see a revival begin in the churches. I felt like I had grown a lot in many strengths (in ministry), I was comfortable in my surroundings, confident in my friendships...and therefore just had more over all self-confidence in who I was as a person. But here, it was like all of that had been stripped away. I still feel uncomfortable in my own church, which I love very much. I don't have many strong Christian friends I can process with, outside of my boyfriend and mentor. It seems like opportunities for me to use my strengths and gifts have yet to arise here. So all I can see now, are my weaknesses. And it sucks. But it's good...but it sucks.
But then Jesus told me this "Kansas City had become a security blanket to you. It was time for you to move on, and grow." Ah, there it was again. "What if I didn't send you back here to be the refiner (which, by the way, is My job anyway, not yours) but to be further refined, yourself." Take that piece of humble pie and eat it, Katie.
Two years ago, I found my identity in Christ as a daughter of the most high God. This past year I have been learning to find my worth in Him as a priceless gem that He died for. Now, I need to find my confidence in Him. Confidence in my strengths, my personality, my gifts...my voice. I was made to be heard, I have something to say. It's not my inheritance to be a timid child who won't voice her opinion or heart unless she is around people she is comfortable with. By the power of Christ, the fear of rejection is no longer going to have a hold in my life. I will be secure in Jesus, and Him alone.
Identity, worth and confidence. It seems like those are three very key things the enemy likes to twist, confuse and steal from us, to make sure we don't walk a life worthy of the calling Jesus has put on us.
Where do you find yours?
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