My Night Under the Stars (and Lightning) with French Fries and Jesus

They kept playing those darn Wendy's commercials during my Criminal Minds marathon. And Wendy's, although I'm not a big fan of fast food, is most definitely one of my favorite places to get a hamburger and some chicken nuggets. I'm curious as to if there is a connection between my love for frosty's and the fact that Wendy's just so happens to be where my biological parents met over 21 years ago...

Not wanting to wake up my parents by turning off the house alarm and opening the garage, I decided to "sneak out" my bedroom window. I find it funny that the only time I have snuck out of my parents house, was to get fast food...not alcohol or anything. So in my tank top and shorts, which was appropriate for the 2am, 81 degree humid Nebraska weather, I got in my car and starting driving. Sadly, Wendy's is not open after midnight here, so I had to settle for Mickey D's, the Golden Arches, McHeartAttack: Home of the Recycled Meal....whatever you want to call it.

Halfway there, I looked out my window and saw a few stars in the sky. Suddenly I felt the need for an adventure. I wanted to get away. I didn't want to just go back home, sit on my bed and eat my fries while watching late night Law and Order or something. And I needed to talk to Jesus. Badly. Yeah, yeah I know I can talk to Jesus whenever, wherever. But there's just something about being with Him while watching His creation...like the stars, or a rainbow, or a sunset...or the ocean! There is such a unique beauty in creation that I think we miss a lot of the time; like we take it for granted. And even just looking upon creation in all of it's beauty is in and of itself a wonderful act of worship.

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork." - Psalm 19:1

I knew of a couple places out West that had fewer city lights and more fields where I could just go sit. There may not be much to do in Nebraska, but it's really good for driving with your windows down, doing the dolphin with your hand while driving at 65 miles per hour, and K-LOVE on full volume at 2 in the morning. It had been a really tough week. Working 6, 12 hour nights in a span of 9 days is something I will probably never do again. There had been a little bit of drama within my church group, which leaked into my work setting...which was completely unnecessary. Somebody very close to me had to be taken to a recovery center because of extreme suicidal thoughts; this being the second time in 8 months. The last 7 days had felt like God put me in a furnace. You know, the furnaces that purify gold...because before gold is beautiful gold, it has a bunch of impurities and crap in it that needs to be taken out by heat and fire before it can be used for anything. And being in a serious relationship, crap you didn't know was there tends to surface when you least expect it. It's like the fire gets stoked and the heat bumps up a couple extra hundred degrees.

I felt lonely. Forgotten. Insecure. Weak. Unheard.

My boyfriend had asked me once if my well used blue zip-up hoodie was a "security blanket". It kind of took me by surprise, but when I thought about it I realized that yes, it was. Not being confident in my physical appearance, it was nice to have something that would cover the things I didn't necessarily enjoy about myself. That, and it is also a plus to have around when I'm just cold. But that phrase stuck with me over the next couple weeks. "Security blanket".

My plan to go enjoy the stars didn't turn out so well; by the time I got to my destination, clouds had rolled in and there was a very good amount of lightning in the distance. But I accepted that as a close second to my viewing pleasure. Experiencing my first shooting star would have to wait just another night, at least.      
As I started munching on my "midnight" snack, I could feel all these things stirring in my heart. But I hate crying while I'm trying to eat so I managed to keep the tears back.

"I miss Kansas City, Jesus! I just want to go back!"

Living in KC for over two years, I had developed some very good friendships. Especially to those whom I spent 7 months on the road with, doing ministry. By the time I moved back to Bellevue, I felt like I was ready to take on the whole city and see a revival begin in the churches. I felt like I had grown a lot in many strengths (in ministry), I was comfortable in my surroundings, confident in my friendships...and therefore just had more over all self-confidence in who I was as a person. But here, it was like all of that had been stripped away. I still feel uncomfortable in my own church, which I love very much. I don't have many strong Christian friends I can process with, outside of my boyfriend and mentor. It seems like opportunities for me to use my strengths and gifts have yet to arise here. So all I can see now, are my weaknesses. And it sucks. But it's good...but it sucks.

But then Jesus told me this "Kansas City had become a security blanket to you. It was time for you to move on, and grow." Ah, there it was again. "What if I didn't send you back here to be the refiner (which, by the way, is My job anyway, not yours) but to be further refined, yourself." Take that piece of humble pie and eat it, Katie.

Two years ago, I found my identity in Christ as a daughter of the most high God. This past year I have been learning to find my worth in Him as a priceless gem that He died for. Now, I need to find my confidence in Him. Confidence in my strengths, my personality, my gifts...my voice. I was made to be heard, I have something to say. It's not my inheritance to be a timid child who won't voice her opinion or heart unless she is around people she is comfortable with. By the power of Christ, the fear of rejection is no longer going to have a hold in my life. I will be secure in Jesus, and Him alone.  

Identity, worth and confidence. It seems like those are three very key things the enemy likes to twist, confuse and steal from us, to make sure we don't walk a life worthy of the calling Jesus has put on us.

Where do you find yours?          

     

Almost, Never

Have you ever imagined a different world?
Different school, friends...family?
I have, all my life.
I do, all the time.

What if this?
What if that?
Kind of hurts the brain, huh?
Yeah, I know.

Sitting across from her.
Seeing this woman I did not know.
But knowing she almost raised me.
Never did it happen.

Almost, never.
How many do we have?
Those moments that create life.
That choice of what road to take.
What path to lead.

Almost, never.
What does it mean?
A paradigm learned through experience alone.
It boggles my mind.
An idea of complexity.

Almost, never.
So close, yet so far.
Who would I have been?
It almost happened,
But it never did.

Looking at it now,
It all makes sense
But I still don't understand.
What did He have planned?

One life to live.
If I could choose,
Would I have choosen differently?
But I can't, I simply can't.

Oh but how I wish I could.
Is it worth it?
Dwelling on the past, I mean?
Probably not.

Learn to accept.
Accept what?
A life I did not choose?
Doesn't seem fair.

I should be thankful.
Thankful I had a life at all.
So many have been robbed of that.
At least I breath.

Lord, help me understand
Your perfect plan.
Complex, yes, but perfect.
I can wish, but that's all it is.

Forward, not back.
Keep my eyes a head.
No regrets.
Yes, no regrets.

Almost, never.
So close, yet so far.
Who would I have been?
It almost happened,
But it never did.

Smile!

What is a smile?
Is it simply a movement of the face,
A meaningless gesture?

A smile can be a gift,
Given to someone
Who needs their day brightened.

A smile can be a delight,
A child's eyes sparkling
With just the simple gesture.

A smile can be a mask,
Hiding the pain underneath
Betrayed by the eyes.

A smile can be a reminder,
Re-telling your best friend
That inside joke.

A smile can be an encourager,
Letting a person know
That you have faith in them.

A smile can lead to love.
Never frown because you never know
Who is falling in love with your smile!

A smile can become laughter.
A ray of sunshine,
Just 'cause you feel like it.

There are many reasons to smile.
Because of joy.
Because of love.
Just because.

For me, a smile is a token.
A symbol of my inheritance,
Given to me by my Father.

It's not my portion to fake my happiness.
Nor to carry the weight of this world,
Or my past, on my shoulders.

At the Lord's right hand,
There are pleasures evermore.
His joy is my strength.
This is my inheritance.

So smile!
Not to hide,
Not to fake.
But because you are worth it.
And Jesus loves YOU!

Summer Rain

The sun was shining, 

And the roads were gleaming,

I was driving my car down the block.

The clounds were forming,

And the silence was pounding,

I was living too much in my head. 

The drops started forming,

And the heavens were crying,

I was trying to give up my loss. 

Warm summer rains are finally coming,

Washing my worries away.

Warm summer rains are like a deep breath,

Taking the heat of life away. 

The sky's beauty stunned me,

And my Father spoke to me.

I needed to let it be. 

"The past is the past" He said

"And it is over and gone.

I have a new road for you today."

The words were like honey,

And were sweet to my ears.

I turned my face to the sky and smiled.

The rain on my face refreshed

And my troubles were wiped away.

I thanked God and said,

"Your warm summer rains are finally coming,

Washing my worries away.

Your warm summer rains are like a deep breath,

Taking the heat of life away." 

A Nameless, Faceless Generation

Dear Mommy,

I wish you could see me here,

I'm having so much fun!

I have made so many friends,

But I still miss you so much.

The streets here are really shiny,

And the city is very pretty.

I have my very own pony,

And I love him a lot.

Jesus is really nice,

He tells me stories everyday.

I wish you could meet Him,

He's my best friend.

He knows so many things,

But I don't think He knows everything,

Because when I ask Him certain questions,

He can't answer at all.

"Jesus, Why didn't my mommy name me?"

A sadness passes through His eyes.

"Jesus, Why didn't my mommy want me?"

He bows His head and sighs.

You see Mommy, I still don't have a name.

But it's ok, because I am waiting for you.

I can't wait until you get here,

So I can have a name too.

In the meantime, I'll play with my friends.

They don't have names either,

But Jesus took us in.

And He loves us children so very much.

I really really miss you,

But I don't understand why...

Why didn't you want me mommy?

Did I do something to you?

I wish I knew what you looked like,

Because I might look like you.

Do you think about me?

And if I have your face too?

Please please hurry Mommy!

And tell Daddy to come with you.

I would love for you to be here,

And I know that Jesus would too.

Love,

Me

That Day

The thorns on His head that day were for the thoughts we think.
His swollen lips that day were for the words we speak.
His blackened eyes that day were for the impurities we see.
His bloodied ears that day were for the lies we listen to.
His pierced side that day was for the pain we cause.
The stripes on His body that day were for the sicknesses in this world.
The wounds on His back that day were for the weights we bear.
The nails in His hands that day were for the injustices we do to others.
The spike in His feet that day was for the paths we choose to take.


His thoughts were not of anger that day.
His words finished the work that day.
His eyes were on the ones He loves that day.
His ears were filled with curses that day.
His side made a way for us that day.
His body healed us from all disease that day.
His back took on our burdens that day.
His hands became scarred reminders that day.
His feet became a way for us to follow that day.


Today, His thoughts are of me.
Today, His words are of truth, light and comfort.
Today, His ears are open to my prayers.
Today, His eyes are filled with jealous love.
Today, His side is adorned with a golden belt.
Today, His body is our bread.
Today, His back is clothed in righteousness
Today, His hands are still scarred.
Today, His feet place Him beside His Father.


His thoughts will be of justice.
His words will bring us peace.
His ears will be filled with praise.
His side will be girded with a sword.
His body will appear to us in fullness.
His back will be postured with majesty.
His hands will still be scarred.
His feet will walk in victory.
On That Day.

What You've Given to Me

A beating heart

A joyous laugh

A sparkling eye.

All these things,

You've given to me.

Hope of a future

Desires of my heart

Love of a Father.

All these things,

You've given to me.

Wisdom like treasure

Words like bread

Beauty like You.

All these things, 

You've given to me.

Your Spirit with fire

Your touch with healing

Your mercy with promise.

All these things, 

You've given to me.

Grace in tow

Faith in grasp

Eternity in sight.

All these things,

You've given to me

His beaten back

His wounded side

His pierced wrists.

This One thing,

You've given to me.